On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
