if you like me you must not know who I am
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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