You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
