how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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