idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
