Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
