Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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