I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
