dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
