Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
