seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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