Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
