Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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