You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
