I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
