apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
