o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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