Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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