K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
