Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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