Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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