A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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