oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
