cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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