We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
