you guys were way drunker than both of me
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
