I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
