I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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