if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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