I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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