i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize