forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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