watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
