i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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