Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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