Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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