I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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