So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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