She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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