it's too hot outside to masturbate.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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