My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
