dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize