this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
