i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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