I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you didnt know i had herpes?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
