I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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