Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
