Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
