my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
then he tried to convert me to islam
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
