sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
