that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
