Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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