roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
