We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
