Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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