It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I want a musical about memes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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