you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
