Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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